Patron Saint of Turpentine

Tomorrow is pew dusting day. Of course, we dust more than pews. We dust everything and vacuum. But first we have to make a pilgrimage to Home Depot. I've mentioned it's not my favorite place.

We have to buy some graffiti remover. Some of the windows on the rectory have been vandalized. Always so disappointing to see some incomprehensible gang symbols, the tags of taggers, the blight of the city. Sister St. Aloysius was nervous that it was there, as though any second we would be caught in the crossfire of some type of war. I explained to her that this is just a game, tagging. The game is to tag the most outrageous places you can. That's why you see graffiti on water towers and overpasses.

So, the rectory. Ridiculous. And a trip to Home Depot. I looked on the Google to find out what product to buy because, God love them, the people at Home Depot will just say anything to answer any question, seemingly so that you will just get away from them so they can go back to driving the fork lift around or sprint off to the break room. I'm still going to have to ask which aisle. I'm guessing the paint section.

I may take aspirin before I go in anticipation of the inevitable.

Sister, I love your blog. A question: A friend of mine was just ordained two days ago. We have always (for the 8 years we've known each other) been on a first-name basis. Should I now address him as Father? I'm pretty sure he doesn't expect me to, but I wonder. It's probably not relevant, but he's 20 years younger than I am.

Oh, for Pete's sake, call him Father. Let him tell you to stop if he wants. Ordination is a very big deal. If people who get a PhD can go around getting called doctor (which I think they deserve), then you can cough up a "Father" for your friend, who is now the representative of Christ on earth and who actually now has actual special powers. Like Superman, only more relevant.

Dear Sister, Do you have a prayer that I can say when I find something that offends me? Today my friend sent me a link on Twitter to a guy whose name is "god". I looked at the account and some of his tweets and quite frankly if he's trying to be funny, I thought he failed on several levels. Anyway, I couldn't think of a way to pray for him in a Christian manner. Suggestions?

Those AA people have a prayer for just this sort of thing:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I think we've landed on the "wisdom to know the difference" part of "accept the things I cannot change." I guess you don't actually need to accept the things you cannot change. You just need to accept the fact that you cannot change them.

Twitter=let it go. The root would of Twitter is Twit. When you Twitter you "tweet". Like a little bird.

I'm not sure why it's so hard to pray for this fellow in a Christian manner. Let's take it step by step.
Step one: pick a saint to for a little heavenly intercession.
In this case, I'll go with St. Paul. He was a pretty arrogant fellow when he was suddenly knocked off his high horse, literally. He did a complete 180. He should understand the situation here very thoroughly.
Step two: compose a little rhyming prayer.
Keep is short. Rhymes help you remember the prayer.

We all know "Holy Tony, come on down, something's lost that must be found." or the prayer to St. Catherine of Alexandria: "Sweet Saint Catherine, send me a husband,
A good one, I pray;
But arn a one better than narn a one.
O Saint Catherine, give me your aid!
Grant that I may never die an old maid!"

Less well known, I'll admit.

That's it. So let's see....

St. Paul please help this clueless clown,
Before the devil brings him down.

Hmmm...maybe not Christian enough.

St. Paul would you please intervene
So I don't punch the desktop screen.
Help the twitters reel it in.
Stop the twits so they don't sin.

It needs work. But you get the idea.

I'd better get to work on my prayer for Home Depot.