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Life is tough. Nuns are tougher.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Exorcist

The heat wave really got to Teddy, our covent cat, today. He got a crazy look in his eye, crazier than his normal look, and ran like the devil was after him through the halls. He ran up one side of Sister Mary Fiacre and down the other. I think she actually woke up for a moment or two.

Perhaps the devil WAS after him. We know the devil is after all of us. He is very busy. He is like Uncle Sam: He Wants YOU!

Many people want to know if the Catholic church still does exorcisms? Gee, what do you think? Is the Pope Catholic?

The devil, who has always been very active in his relentless pursuit of your pea personal soul, who has been coming after you through Ouija boards and Dungeons and Dragons games, Tarot cards and seances, who probably invented astrology and the Magic 8 Ball, now has even easier access to you than ever. He's on your TV. He has your email address.

So yes, we still do exorcisms. I use the royal "we". I don't do them.

Here's how it works: First someone must determine that you are possessed. So first, you are going to a regular doctor AND a shrink. We'll try some zoloft or something. If you are still speaking in some unknown language you've never heard before, have an intense hatred for holy things and/or have abnormal strength for your size, it's time to talk to the bishop.

Only the bishop can order an exorcism and only a priest can perform one. That's because it might be rough going with the demon (I know you've seen the movie!) and if just anyone tried it they might cave. Or be fooled. We need someone really strong willed here. The devil is no match for a man who can live his whole life celibate.

If we can drag your possessed self over to the church we will. But if you're too much of a demonic mess we'll make it a house call.

It's long. It's ugly. It's knock down drag out steel cage match. Two men enter, one man leaves, stuff.

If you're hosting an exorcism how can you prepare? Make sure you have plenty of holy water, and if you can, get your hands on a first class relic of a really holy saint. (I'm serious, it's in the exorcism manual.) A relic is some piece of the saint: a bone, a lock of hair, his head... there are 3 types: first class, which is a piece of the saint, second class, which is something that touched the saint, like his toothbrush or a piece of clothing and a third class relic which is something that has touched a first class relic (like if you wipe your hankie across St. Rita's fingerbone).

For the exorcism you need to spring for first class. Easier said than done, since the church doesn't hand them out the way they used to. All the relics are kept in the Vatican reliquary with one guy in charge and if you beg him he may open a jar and slice off a little something for you. Nowdays first class relics only go to parishes for the altar. (Every altar has one.)

The absolute best first class relic you can get is a piece of St. Benedict, Mr. Exorcist, the patron saint of exorcism. Fat chance you'll lay your hands on that! You could pretend to be the parish priest of the new parish of St. Benedict and write the Vatican for your relic. But then you'd be lying and cheating opening the door for the devil to possess you. Fool.

Just get some holy water, and like most things that have to do with your relationship with God, leave us in charge.

By the way, the site counter here is broken due to a power outage. If you stop by for a visit, please leave us a message so we know you were here. We'll read them all to Sister Mary Fiacre over supper. She'll think it's messages from all the boys and girls she used to teach, but that's okay.

for your exorcism needs: http://www.etsy.com/view_item.php?listing_id=358675


Mamadelic said...

hmm, I think I know someone who could use your help!

Sister Mary Martha said...

A demon? First take the demon to a shrink.

Kathi said...

frightening stuff, sister mary! now, where's my bible?

Sister Mary Martha said...

That's right! You'll need that to for the exorcism. It has to have both the old and the New Testament. I would also vote against the King James Bible.

Kathryn, I notice you still misspell your name.

rozanne:r said...

Where in the bible do you get the parts for an exorcism

Anonymous said...

celibate priests???? who are you kidding sister?

berenike said...


It's great. I managed to get hold of a copy before they all sold out, but the second print run should be available by now.

Anonymous said...

I really don't think that all of what you mentioned is required for an exorcism. If you recall in the bible most of the exorcisms are done by merely casting them out in the name of Jesus Christ. The only one where the disciples failed to cast it out in scriptures Jesus says that it must come out by "prayer". Now by prayer I don't think that he was talking about relics, holy water, etc.

Anonymous said...

Ugh...You seem so flippant, Sister. Where is your sympathy, respect, and compassion? Those are just as important as strength of will, discipline, and level-headed judgement. The world has enough hard hearts.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, before you say your opinions about exorcising do some extensive research first about what you will talk about. You just keep on saying things here you definitely know nothing about. Know your faith first before you criticize it. Try to exorcise without those mentioned and let's see how fast the demons or the Devil himself can possess you.