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Life is tough. Nuns are tougher.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Patron Saint of Turpentine

Tomorrow is pew dusting day. Of course, we dust more than pews. We dust everything and vacuum. But first we have to make a pilgrimage to Home Depot. I've mentioned it's not my favorite place.

We have to buy some graffiti remover. Some of the windows on the rectory have been vandalized. Always so disappointing to see some incomprehensible gang symbols, the tags of taggers, the blight of the city. Sister St. Aloysius was nervous that it was there, as though any second we would be caught in the crossfire of some type of war. I explained to her that this is just a game, tagging. The game is to tag the most outrageous places you can. That's why you see graffiti on water towers and overpasses.

So, the rectory. Ridiculous. And a trip to Home Depot. I looked on the Google to find out what product to buy because, God love them, the people at Home Depot will just say anything to answer any question, seemingly so that you will just get away from them so they can go back to driving the fork lift around or sprint off to the break room. I'm still going to have to ask which aisle. I'm guessing the paint section.

I may take aspirin before I go in anticipation of the inevitable.

Sister, I love your blog. A question: A friend of mine was just ordained two days ago. We have always (for the 8 years we've known each other) been on a first-name basis. Should I now address him as Father? I'm pretty sure he doesn't expect me to, but I wonder. It's probably not relevant, but he's 20 years younger than I am.

Oh, for Pete's sake, call him Father. Let him tell you to stop if he wants. Ordination is a very big deal. If people who get a PhD can go around getting called doctor (which I think they deserve), then you can cough up a "Father" for your friend, who is now the representative of Christ on earth and who actually now has actual special powers. Like Superman, only more relevant.

Dear Sister, Do you have a prayer that I can say when I find something that offends me? Today my friend sent me a link on Twitter to a guy whose name is "god". I looked at the account and some of his tweets and quite frankly if he's trying to be funny, I thought he failed on several levels. Anyway, I couldn't think of a way to pray for him in a Christian manner. Suggestions?

Those AA people have a prayer for just this sort of thing:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I think we've landed on the "wisdom to know the difference" part of "accept the things I cannot change." I guess you don't actually need to accept the things you cannot change. You just need to accept the fact that you cannot change them.

Twitter=let it go. The root would of Twitter is Twit. When you Twitter you "tweet". Like a little bird.

I'm not sure why it's so hard to pray for this fellow in a Christian manner. Let's take it step by step.
Step one: pick a saint to for a little heavenly intercession.
In this case, I'll go with St. Paul. He was a pretty arrogant fellow when he was suddenly knocked off his high horse, literally. He did a complete 180. He should understand the situation here very thoroughly.
Step two: compose a little rhyming prayer.
Keep is short. Rhymes help you remember the prayer.

We all know "Holy Tony, come on down, something's lost that must be found." or the prayer to St. Catherine of Alexandria: "Sweet Saint Catherine, send me a husband,
A good one, I pray;
But arn a one better than narn a one.
O Saint Catherine, give me your aid!
Grant that I may never die an old maid!"

Less well known, I'll admit.

That's it. So let's see....

St. Paul please help this clueless clown,
Before the devil brings him down.

Hmmm...maybe not Christian enough.

St. Paul would you please intervene
So I don't punch the desktop screen.

Help the twitters reel it in.

Stop the twits so they don't sin.

It needs work. But you get the idea.

I'd better get to work on my prayer for Home Depot.


JACK said...

Sister -

OF COURSE you're upset by going to Home Depot! It's a GUY's place! (To quote the author Dave Barry: "There's three kinds of persons in the world - men, women and guys.") It would be torture to send a nun in!

You mentioned that the paint is on the Rectory. I suggest you march over to talk to Fr. Holysmoke or whoever lives there and remind them that torturing nuns adds time in Purgartory. He deserves a little "down time" at a (safe) guys place and its his house.

I know ALL ABOUT torturing nuns. I had 8 years of Catholic school and I'm STILL working off my time 40 years later.

Good luck and don't despair! Yours in Christ.

Donna. W said...

Home Depot bores me silly. The one nearest us, though, must have better management. I've never had trouble getting help from an employee. And I'm old and not-so-beautiful.

Elizabeth said...

I liked your prayers...no work at all, I think.

PS...I'll admitt, my whole family are Home Depot fans...DH, myself, 10 & 8 year old girls and 4 year old boy...of course we usually go together & know what we are looking for.

Helen said...

Ace Hardware is the place with the helpful....you know the jingle. And it is true. The salesman at Ace has never steered us wrong.

Kemma said...

Thank you sister for answering my question. I like that prayer you came up with a lot. :]

It was hard praying for him because I found him offensive and I'm tired of having my beliefs be made into jokes is all.

Claudia said...

I think I need intervention.....A few months ago I found that I actually liked walking around Lowes and seeing what they have.

I just better stop that I sound like a guy...LOL

I haven't stopped in with out the need for something at the home stores, maybe there is some help for me. The worst place is Harbor Freight. My husband came home, he said one opened at the local mall. I will have to take his Discover card and give him $20 bucks for his foray to that place.

Katney said...

I have trouble just imagining going into Home Depot for some little thing and trying to find it. Do needles and haystacks come to mind? Yikes!

In the meantime, a question. Yesterday I put the red hangings up for Pentecost. I had to make new ones because no one can find the ones we made a number of years ago. They hadn't been used for some time--the white was just left up--maybe because the red had been lost.

I guess that isn't really part of my question, but it led me to looking at the calendar because I know that the red has to come down quickly. The next two Sundays are white, but the season is green, which is confusing enough. And after that is the Twelfth Sunday of Ordinary Time. So I looked back on the calendar before Lent and the last Ordinary Time Sunday was the Seventh.

What? Where did the eighth through eleventh Sundays go?

Anonymous said...

Pretty sad when someone tag a church but pretty amazing when someone got the humor to deflate them, well done Sister. This blog blesses me.

Anonymous said...


I am not sure where to put this, so I am going to try here.

Can you please explain holy water to me? I know why it is used in baptism and in the church fonts, but why do Catholics bless objects with it?

I would like to be able to properly defend the church and its use to people who say we use it like magic. Thanks.

Connie said...

Dear Sister,
Just started reading your blog and getting a kick out of it.
I am a recent Revert to the Church and am finding things different just in the 13 years I have been gone. Of course I have grown older too and miss some of the reverence of my early childhood. Up until 1967 anyway. I am THAT old. I guess I am that weird woman in the back who wears a headcovering and has one on her daughters as well. I always have been a square peg in a round hole!
Thanks again for a great blog!

Anonymous said...

LOL! Okay, "St Paul please help this clueless clown..." is my new prayer. I think I'm going to be saying this A LOT.


Arkanabar T'verrick Ilarsadin said...

To Anonymous @ 5:03 AM

if you want to understand holy water and its uses, read up on sacramentals. Sister Mary Martha has discussed them a number of times.

Anonymous said...

I have always hated Home Depot...it's dirty and boring and intimidating all at once...so imagine my feelings when it was the only place I could find a job last summer!!

I worked there as a cashier for 4 months, and let me assure you, it is NOT ANY LESS CONFUSING as an employee than as a customer. I mean, of course the guys who have been working there for 20+ years (Joe in Plumbing, Fred in Hardware, etc.) know the ropes, but for me it was just one mind-bogglingly confusing day after another. I got the hang of the cash register pretty quickly, but customers would ask me questions like "How do I install my garage door?" and "Which toilet tank is better?" and honestly, half the time I wanted to reply, "Listen, I'm just a college student trying to earn some tuition money, and these nice Home Depot people hired me to stand here and wear my orange apron and take your money and direct you to the paint department, and that's pretty much where my expertise ends, sorry about that." But no, I was always the one they yelled at, even as I patiently and pleasantly tried to find someone more knowledgeable to help them.

It's a confusing store, that's true, and it can be very overwhelming, and I totally know what you mean about the lazy bums who will try to escape the customers -- but just try to remember that not everyone working there is an expert on everything! I certainly wasn't!

[I'm a 21-year-old female, by the way.]