Saturday, September 02, 2006
Make a Saint Campaign
Okay everybody, time to roll up your sleeves. Monday is the feast day of not-a-saint-yet Mother Teresa. We need to take care of that 'not a saint yet' part. It's embarrassing.
For those of you unclear on the rules, the criteria for sainthood is really easy breezy lemon squeezy. Dead+In Heaven=Saint. Everyone who is in heaven is a saint. No one who is alive is a saint. The Church never ever declares that any dead person is anywhere, not heaven, not Purgatory, not Hell. Not even Hitler (at the last moment he could have gone, "What was I thinking!?").
Except when the church canonizes someone. Then the church is saying the person is definitely in heaven and is worthy of the veneration of the faithful.
In order to do this the church has to prove the person is in heaven. The devil doesn't do nice things. The only way to prove a soul is in heaven is if a living person has a miracle bestowed upon them after asking for the intercession of the saintly candidate.
Now get this straight! We're talking miracles here, not this junk people CALL miracles! Not, "I found a parking space!" Not, "My cat hid in the armoire when we were moving and was transported across North America by Allied Van Lines locked in the armoire with no food or water for five days and arrived in Alaska still alive and well."
Not even this (true story):
A man in Santa Monica suddenly has the irresistible urge to jump up and walk his dog in the middle of the afternoon. He never walks his dog in the middle of the afternoon, but out he goes. While he's gone a construction worker hits a gas pipe and the dog walker's house blows to smithereens.
Is it a miracle? No. It's great for him, but it's not a miracle.
A miracle only qualifies as a miracle if the event is spontaneous and unexplainable. If the man had left his house to walk his dog BLIND and come back and SEEN that his house was blown to splinters that would be a miracle. Spontaneous+unexplainable+good thing=Miracle.
So in order to canonize the Blessed Mother Teresa (the fact that she's called "Blessed" means she already has one miracle under her belt) she needs another miracle attributed to her.
This is where you come in. Start praying for the miracle you need by asking for the intercession of Mother Teresa. You separated brethren can just calm down. You're just asking her to pray for you, just like you ask your other friends to pray for you when you need a miracle. And don't give me this "I Just pray straight to Jesus" malarkey. Really? You never ask anyone to pray for you? Good. That'll save me some time every day....
......ugh....I'll be praying for you anyhow......
When you get your miracle contact someone in the Catholic church. Someone important, not the old lady next to you in the pew mumbling through her rosary when she should be paying attention to the Mass. (Not that she's not important.....you know what I mean. Anyhow, she can't even focus on the task at hand. I wouldn't trust her with my miracle.) Be sure and follow up to make certain your important person actually got a hold of someone even more important that can get your case to the folks over at the Causes of Saints. Unless your important person was the Pope.
Prepare to be investigated. We're not taking your word for it. Sorry.
Get busy people. We'll talk more about why Mother Teresa is most definitely in heaven when we celebrate with her on Monday.